To the two people who read this blog 🤣:
First off, I appreciate you so much! And, if you’ve come across this blog recently, I’ve decided to create a new blog that focuses more on my mom, and will have a lot of appreciating her, her life and living at home (and probably more!). The blog is called Sarah Louise Musings, check it out if you’re interested!
Last night, waiting to fall asleep, I began to think about my mother, and what life will be like when she’s gone. It will be heart wrenching, painful. And I thought to what it will be like to move around the house, without her… And the strange thing is right now, I feel like she’s gone. Partially.
The time I spend with her, she’s mostly quiet. And when she speaks, we don’t understand her. She uses as few words as possible, sometimes repeating them. She adds a lot of hand motions (she always spoke with her hands). But in a way I think meant to add to the communication. She frequently walks to the window, looks at my car, silently. Then says “car!” and I say, “yes, that’s my car!”. Or she’ll look out the window and say “deer!” And I say “yes, I don’t see any! They must be sleeping.”
This New Mom is nothing like the mom I knew.. (she has her moments, though) Which makes me wonder, in all those silent moments, and her slurred speech, is she the same person? I know she is, but it’s like she’s already partially left us. The mom I knew is no longer here. I’ve cried many times about “losing” the mom i knew. A Revised Mom is here. And when she’s gone, what do we mourn?
I found this in my drafts.. I think this is at least a year old, thought I should publish it!
Hey everyone! I made a tarot deck! I wanted to explain a little about it..
It all started with me exploring some collaging. I made some tiny notebooks and I was really enjoying those little creations. Then I saw this image of this powerful woman, put her on a mountain and BAM. Her image stuck with me so much.. she was what I thought of as Emperor vibe.. and I started to wonder.. well, what other images could be calling me to be created? Pretty soon, I was maybe 20 images/collages in and I thought.. hmmm.. maybe I should just finish this? And I kept going. I kept amassing more and more books, magazines, etc for this project.
I purchased a scanner and bought a Photoshop membership.. and BAM, they were done. I won’t lie– there was a point in this, maybe when I had ten left or so when it was starting to feel like a chore.. and there are some images I’m not the most thrilled about, but my bull-heading need to FINISH overpowered it all. It’s not perfect, but it’s done!
It’s VERY much in the RWS style.. and I named it the Down Low Tarot.. because, well, my tarot practice is still on the Down Low. Only my very closest friends know I read tarot.. those same people know I made a tarot deck. And I have to say.. not being comfortable telling my family is kind of a bummer. They really must think I do nothing all day.. because I can’t tell them about this project, or this very snail-pace oracle deck I’m also working on. Tarot is a big part of who I am and what I believe, and not being able to share that is certainly frustrating. Anyways, it’s the name of the deck, because I believe the images in this deck reflect me, and decks I read about tended to reflect the artist’s relationship with tarot, and my relationship is on the down-low. It doesn’t sound that creative when I put it like that, ha!
Anyways, if you feel called to purchase it, it’s available on MakePlayingCards.com. If you log into the website, go to “Marketplace” and search “Down Low Tarot” and it should come up on the second or third page. Check it out!
Below are a sample of some of those cards!
This is my mom. She’s 84, and almost this time last year, she started slurring her words and has difficulty forming and finishing sentences. It’s been so challenging to guide and support her in this time since we don’t know what she wants or needs sometimes. She also has had a persistent and sometimes aggressive cough for the past three years or so. The doctors have said it’s asthma. I believe it’s phlegm buildup and her body has difficulty eliminating it. And now, a new diagnosis: ALS.
This isn’t a full diagnosis since that would take many tests and my dad doesn’t think my mom will be patient enough for all the tests. But it makes sense.. it’s very possible her speech issues are due to ALS. And she sometimes has difficulty swallowing. And there are times her coughs come out in a burst, right as she’s eating, and she will cough, cough and cough. And her face will sometimes be a mixture of fear and distress. And it hurts to see her in those moments. Her body gets warm with these coughing fits. I gently pat her back while she works through whatever she’s working through. I wish she didn’t get these coughing fits.
The doctor prescribed something for the phlegm, but my mom read one of the side effects is Glaucoma and she won’t take it. This is an inhaled medicine, and now the only other options are liquid or pills. Liquids can be fine, but pills are frequently a problem or iffy.
She’s mobile and can take care of herself. She doesn’t talk nearly as much as she used to, which makes spending time with her sad. Eerie. Creepy. Honestly, she used to talk too much before, and now she’s entirely silent. When she does talk we frequently don’t understand what she’s trying to say.
I hope be check in more often with updates, thoughts and feelings about her, since I’ve recently moved from Atlanta into my parent’s basement. I hope I can help my dad with “Mom Duty” as I call it, to give him a break. I have been cooking some for them. And of course, generally visiting.
How do I say this– I feel like such a white brat for buying a book to learn more about systemic racism, but I did. I mean, in times like this.. where all I can do is read/see information about the protests and deeply believing this is a pivotal point in Our History.. I HAD to. Would escaping to Netflix and watching some show about witches, or teenagers learning about life be easier? Oh yes. And I did that for about the first two months of this pandemic, and my liver and brain can’t take it anymore.
I just finished White Rage by Carol Anderson and my brain is blown, my heart hurts and in all my infinite Karen Powers– I feel POWERLESS.
Continue reading “Book Review: White Rage by Carol Anderson”Hey again. Why do I bother having a blog? Apparently it’s for random appearances where I get to unload. Oh well. Thanks for being here!
I realized today I have never shared how I came to tarot. This is that story.
So, maybe two weeks ago YouTube suggested a video to me from someone I don’t subscribe to. It had to do with someone confessing their drug addiction and recovery.. this person seems pretty well known in the YouTube community, and I was RIVETED. Her story was so vulnerable and so honest. It was also so painful to hear what she went through and what she has ahead of her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her for that weekend.. then she’s frequently come into my thoughts during the week. I started following her on IG. In short, I feel a little obsessed with her. And I really really wish her the best. Continue reading “A Reading for…”
I came across this old photo of me– this was taken shortly after we had moved to Cairo (my second time living there, at this point). It was taken in front of the Catholic church we attended– it wasn’t far from where we lived– maybe a mile? I somehow had a bike at the time. I loved that bike. What a sense of freedom! I’d ride all over the little suburb we lived in– I’d visit my friends or ride to church while my family drove.
One day, I was riding my bike on the right side of the road, and a man on a bike, crossed from the other side, onto my side. I thought it was weird, but thought, maybe his destination is on this side? Continue reading “The Bike Ride That Changed Me”
Continuing on with Ethony’s 31 Days of Tarot! Yeah, just a little behind! Continue reading “31 Days of Tarot, Days 4 – 9”
Again, this is a challenge that Ethony puts on every year. I’m chiming in as I can…
Day 3 is my top five oracle decks of 2018.
This one should be pretty easy, since I don’t use oracle decks a whole lot. I think I own four, actually. I only really used two in 2018. Therefore, my two favorite oracle decks in 2018 are:
Exploring Within 